Last Hope
by Tracey3
Summary: The Prophets are thrown into danger again when they both have a vision of trouble brewing...and this time, they're on their own. Can they save Bethany's child from a hell monster that can even travel through time?
1. Babysitting Is Hell

**Last Hope**

By

_Da Crazee Muppet_

**A/N:** Title sucks, but who cares? This story is rated R because Jay and Silent Bob are in it (And if you can't understand why that is, you need to get your ears cleaned out. O_o; ). You're welcome to read and it'd be great if ya sent some reviews my way…even if they say 'DAMN THIS MOTHER FUCKING SHIT SUCKS ASS!' (god I love the freedom of R fics. XD). This chapter isn't too bad with the swearing, it starts the next one. X_o

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Kevin Smith, or Jason Mewes, or anyone else portrayed in the fic…and I don't own their characters either…because I'm just a little white girl from New Jersey…glad to see that at least something good came out of this god awful state…thank you Kevin Smith, thank you. ^_^;; I just own whoever I made up…yep. Those are all mine. XD

**Chapter 1** – Babysitting Is Hell

          "Do we have to fucking do this shit?"

          Jay sighed and looked annoyed as his partner-in-crime Silent Bob nodded to him solemnly, which was even seen through the darkness of the night they were walking through. He muttered something under his breath that was too low to be understood, but was undoubtedly an obscene remark of annoyance. He fixed his ski cap that fit perfectly over his dirty-blonde hair and took a puff of his cigarette. It was one of the rare moments it wasn't something worse, but Bob had insisted with so little words and much gesturing that they should be good…for once. Sure, they weren't angels, yet for some insane, insane reason, all of a sudden both had the title of prophets, and thus had connection to the new savior of the world.

          Though, not surprisingly, God…or her manifestation, at least, was a screwy, loony white girl who liked ski ball and didn't talk. Jay still didn't understand how her voice blew people's heads off, or how he got picked to protect some lady's baby that didn't require her to get knocked up for it to be made, but somewhere in his twisted, warped brain he felt some sort of moral duty to help out Bethany and her new daughter, even though he would never readily admit it as his friend did. He wouldn't admit he liked the little kid, even if for a  baby she kicked ass and seemed pretty smart for her age. Though, it was probably expected of a baby that's half god, or whatever.

          The two stepped up to the home, and Bob knocked on the door. Jay muttered again as Bob glared at him and his cigarette. He reluctantly stomped it out as Bethany opened the door, peering out through the crack. She saw it was them and opened it fully, giving the two a half smile that bordered a bit worried. It didn't take a genius to know that she really hated asking them to baby-sit when she worked, but apparently god didn't give out money to the person who carried her only daughter, and the only people that would watch her for free was them. Jay would have easily taken advantage of the situation if Bob didn't keep keeping him in check. It was obviously annoying.

          "Thanks for coming over on such short notice." She said, trying her best to look upbeat over the mounting pressures of the night, which now included handing her daughter over to two idiots that were the only free help available. It was not as if she didn't appreciate their help, because she did…but the fact of the matter was, they, especially Jay, did not seem to be the greatest candidates for baby-sitters of the year.

          Bob gave her a reassuring smile when she handed over the little bundle over to him, to which he easily cradled just as he was supposed too. She was asleep, and remained so in the protective arms of her surrogate uncle (as Bethany decided that it was the easiest way for the kid to understand Jay and Bob, especially because she knew they'd be around for the long run more then likely being her 'prophets' and all). It was easy to see Bethany had gained just a little trust in Bob at least, because he obviously showed some sort of paternal instinct when it came to taking care of the kid. Jay, however, she really never even saw interacting with her, so was a little more wary about him. She hoped he just sort of sat back and watched his usually-silent best friend take over.

          But, as always, Jay was full of surprises. "Did the little fu—" and he stopped himself, of course, remembering not to swear even though it was as if it were the hardest task on Earth. He took a breath and spoke again. "Did you feed her? Do we got to do that sh…stuff?"

          Even though Bethany was in a hurry to get to her emergency call at her job, she stopped for just a moment to almost laugh. She looked at him and nodded. "All fed and everything. Don't burn the house down, either of you."

          Bob nodded brightly, as Jay just sighed and rolled his eyes. She never was a fun one, which was probably one of the many reasons why she was picked to have the honor of having a kid without the sex part of it. He couldn't help but smiling at the thought of fucking her either way, because she, even after having a kid, was definitely one of the hottest bitches he had ever laid eyes on. Of course, though, any thoughts of that nature with pushed away when his hetero-life mate elbowed him, seemingly knowing what he was thinking. He glared at him but said nothing.

          She departed, and Jay instantly had a need to curse something out, but remembered the whole 'don't you dare teach my daughter your horrible language' speech that she had given them the first time she decided to trust them with her kid. So he sat down and watched Bob hold her. She was now half awake, sort of in a lulled daze.

          "What does Bethany have to do tonight anyway?" he asked his silent friend, who responded with a shrug. "I tell you, she's lucky we take care of Hopey for free 'stead of doin' our other important stuff. We coulda left town if it wasn't for this kid, you with that huge speech 'bout loyalty and whatnot. I mean, who the fu…" he paused and looked annoyed when Bob shot him a look, "…heck gave us this stupid job of prophets or whatever?"

          To this, Bob shrugged his shoulders, raising a brow a little at the 'Hopey' nickname. Jay did not notice this, as he was too busy complaining about nothing still.

          "It just pisses me off. We could be mackin' some girls right now, yanno, all that good stuff, but nooo…gotta take care of mini-f'n god like a couple of idiots. I don't remember gettin' paid for being one of the people who helped saved the world, not one penny. You didn't either, and yet we're still stuck in this stupid town…" he trailed off.

          The baby, awoken fully by the rant, started to cry. Instantly Jay shut up, looking guilty about the rude awakening he had caused. Bob gave him a dirty look and motioned for him to take her. He refused at first, but after more prodding, he sighed and finally took her, trying to stop her cries.

          "Stop crying, alright? I didn't mean to wake you up." He offered, which still did not cease the noise. He attempted to tickle her. She saw his hand and stopped crying, opting instead to reach out and grab on to one of his long fingers. He couldn't suppress a smile at this, to Bob's amusement. "Kid's got a grip. Wonder if that's from god's side."

          Bob shrugged, continuing to grin.

          "What you grinning at, tubby?" Jay huffed, his usual demeanor shining through again. Bob motioned to him and then to Hope. "You think me being buddy-buddy to the kid is funny? You realize that we're stuck in this no where town forever 'coz of this thing, right?" Bob shrugged. "Don't you miss Jersey? This place is boring as anything, girls are ugly too. Well, 'cept Bethany, and she still is on her 'I wouldn't do it with you even if you were the f'n last man on Earth' deal. I mean, what's up with that? I ain't ever gonna get laid if we stay here. I'm doomed to be watcher to this kid."

          Hope laughed, and Jay gave the kid a deadpan look. Bob sniggered. "Yeah, yeah, real funny, but I have needs too yanno. I didn't ask for the job of watchin' some hero of the world. I mean, what the heck was God smokin', pickin' us to be the all-powerful prophet people?" he complained. "I was perfectly happy sellin' our stuff an' getting chicks left and right."

          Bob rolled his eyes, shaking his head. Hope had found the wonders of Jay's hair and thus started pulling on it.

          "Ow! OW! Get this thing off me!" he yelped as the pulls got stronger. "My hair is not a plaything you little…"

          Bob snatched the kid away before his big mouthed friend decided to add curse words back in his vocabulary. She started to whimper, but was easily quieted when Bob took off his hat with one hand and put it on her head. She seemed to be amused by this and started playing with the thing (which was actually as wide as her whole head in fact, and fit neatly down to her chin), cooing happily.

          "Lookit that, kid's getting' drool all over your hat. I think she ripped some of my hair out. What the heck kind of god does stuff like that? She has mad evil intentions. Just look at her." Bob blinked, looking down as she gurgled as she played with the open part of the hat. He turned his attention back to Jay with a smirk. "It's the innocent ones who are trouble, that's what people always say. That's why the police ain't got nothin' on me."

          Bob couldn't disagree with this, and the same could be said about himself, but he still refused to believe Jay's theory. After all, God did make her. It couldn't be that bad. Of course, then again, it might have a think for ski ball, which was an evil game in itself. He shook the thought from his head and noted that she had lost her spark and seemed to be falling asleep again. Bob knew it was his own obligation to get Jay to like the kid so Bethany would continue to let him come along on these baby-sitting adventures. Bethany would obviously disagree with any sort of negative energy directed toward her only daughter.

          He handed Jay to her (almost forcefully, even), and with a low grumble he took her again. He motioned to the bedroom, taking the hat off her head to reveal she was now almost fully asleep. "Why do I have to put her to sleep?" he asked lowly. Bob shoved him forward, making him stumble in the direction. He held tight to Hope and she did not even feel the movement. Jay glared back at his chubby friend but decided to listen for once. He strode to the back room, which held all the baby's things, including the crib. Jay winced at the overall cuteness of the area, from the fluffy pink bunny stuffed animals in the crib to the painted pink walls. He sighed and tried not to notice it, placing the kid in the crib. She barely even moved as he pulled the covers over her. She just curled up innocently where she lay. He looked behind him compulsively, as if he was doing something wrong, and when he saw Bob wasn't watching him he leaned down and kissed her forehead. Just as quickly as he did it, he straightened himself up, seemingly embarrassed at his own actions.

          "Kids today." He muttered, turning to walk away. As he got to the door, he heard her start to whine. He groaned and turned, walking back. He looked down at her to see her eyes open as if she was never asleep. "What? What do you want? Go to sleep."

          She looked up at him sadly from her bed. "I'm not going to stand here all night, god. You're supposed to be the one doing stuff for us." He explained. She looked as if she was going to cry.  "Don't give me that, I'm used to silent people here you know." After another mumble, he thought of something. "I know, you can pretend my hat…" he took off hit black ski cap (and obviously his favorite) and put it by her. "…is me. You like hats, right? Got a thing for them?" She held it with her little hands, and to Jay's surprise seemed to settle down with it. After a minute of watching her, he attempted to leave again, and this time successfully doing so.

          Now without his trademark cap, he walked back into the living room, where Bob had seated himself on the couch and started to amuse himself with cards he must have found lying around. He looked up and instantly noticed the missing item. Jay, looking like he was trying so hard not to blush at the fact he had given his favorite hat to a little kid he was supposed to hate for inconveniencing him, managed a smirk. "Kid wouldn't shut up, so I gagged her with it."

          Bob rolled his eyes.

          "What? It's true, Lunchbox. Ahh, shit, why the fuck should I care what you think anyway?" He had, of course, said the statement low as he had added one of his words into it. He left himself open for a comment, but Bob decided to let it go so as not to destroy anything that had taken place between him and the kid. Jay sat down, unconsciously feeling the top of his head and how it felt so bare, and then scared himself by realizing that it was worth it because she proved that she in fact seemed to have gained some bond with him over the past few months when she wanted him to stay at her bedside. No one trusted him that much, not even Bob.

          Still, he could not help but miss his hometown and all it's scummy, downtrodden people. People like Randall. And Dante. And the potheads that bought stuff from them. Well, at least he missed the potheads. Dante and Randall were just idiots that Jay was ready to tell the kid to shoot lighting bolts at when she was older and got her god-powers. He slowly dozed off soon after he sat down.


	2. The Prophets Get Their Task

**Chapter 2 – The Prophets Get Their Task**

          He slowly dozed off into a sleeping state, but this time he found himself thrown into a dream. It was strange, dark, dreary. He was standing on some city street, under a lamppost that was the only light flooding down in the area. He was unsure of his surroundings, so much so that he backed off a little, his eyes scanning the area.

          "Well look who the fuck it is!" The voice came all at once, and it made him jump about 20 feet, as it came out of nowhere. He looked around again. Suddenly a figure emerged into the light and Jay stared in shock. "What? You haven't forgotten 'bout the black apostle, right?" At this, he laughed, a smirk rising on his face at the sight of the shocked look in Jay's eyes.

          "Rufus? What the fuck are you doing here? Where the fuck am I? Why the fuck am I here?" he asked sharply.

          "You know, you don't change much, do you white boy?"  Rufus asked coolly, then rolled his eyes.

          "Well I have a right to fucking know why I'm here, you can't just throw me somewhere and expect me to be all like 'Hey Rufus, welcome back from the FUCKING DEAD', how's the fucking weather up there in heaven?'" He snapped.

          "Alright, alright, just shut the fuck up for a minute and I'm tell you." He rolled his eyes. "There's trouble again, Jay. Big trouble. I've been sent down now to tell you that your services are needed again."

          "Hold the fuck up, are you telling me I have to do more shit for free? God didn't even fucking give me one chick to lay since she showed up and blew those guy's fucking heads off, so why the fuck should I help you guys yet again, huh? I never even saw a fucking dime for helping the last time." He pointed out.

          "Are you stupid or something? This isn't some game, Jay; this is real serious matter. Can you get that through your thick skull?" he asked, glaring at him. "You've been chosen to protect the kid whether you like it or not, so shut up and deal with it."

          "This is fucked up…" he complained.

          "Quit your fucking whining and listen up. I don't have a lot time; this is a dream after all. Alright prophet, it is my job to tell you that a new evil has risen from the bowels of hell to get Hope. Somehow, someway, it's defied all laws of nature and will be attempting to pull itself into some sort of warp that it has learned to make so it can attack Hope in the future. This is the message, and you and your silent fat friend is going to kill it before it can get through that portal."

          "Are you fucking insane?" he asked, sounding incredulous. "Do I look like a fucking superhero? This thing is like…how do you expect me and tubby to beat it by ourselves? It's God's fucking kid, why can't she just kick it's ass?"

          "Because she doesn't work that way." Rufus stated simply. "So you better stop complaining and figure out what you're going to do, because that thing is already going to the spot. Whatever happens is now on your lopsided head, so you better not screw up! Thank god this is all the shit I have to do, I'm out of here."

          "Just wait a fucking second, you can't just…"

          "Jay!"

          The voice echoed all around him, cutting him off, being that it was so loud that Jay could barely stand it. When it sounded again, it actually shook the area and made him fall to his knees. He cupped his hands to his ears. "What the fuck…"

          "Jay, wake up…"

          He winced, his eyes slid closed, trying to stop the ringing in his ears. He was almost dead set on staring where ever he was, so he could ask more questions, try to figure out why he kept being sent on this stupid, horribly dangerous missions when he was just a mere stoner from Jersey who a year ago was peddling weed to little kids. Now…now he was stuck saving the savior of the world? What was wrong with that picture? He dared open his eyes again, only to find that the city street was gone and he was back in the house, with Bethany near him.

          "Bethany?" he asked, sounding a bit unsure of himself. He was still a little dazed, and his head was pounding.

          "I can't believe you fell asleep!" she said, sounding angry, shoving him back into the couch. She turned and walked toward the crib, already guessing her daughter was there. He groaned and followed her. "I'll never understand why I trust you two to taking care of her, being poor seems better with paying for a real baby-sitter…"

          "Listen, Bethany…"

          She walked to the crib and looked down to see her comfortably sleeping, Jay's hat hugged to her little chest. In fact, the hat was probably as long as she was. She seemed a bit surprised, and looked at Jay. "Your hat…"

          "Yeah, she has it…listen…" She wasn't paying attention to him, and instead was trying to pull the hat away.

          "She won't let it go." She said, stumped over why her daughter seemed so attached to it, even in her sleep.

          "Bethany…" he attempted again. She turned and looked at him.

          "You didn't put any weed on it or something, did you?" she accused.

          "Hey, I might be fucking bad, but I ain't that bad. Shit, Bethany." He rolled his eyes. He realized the cursing, and was glad the kid was asleep. No matter what he said, he really was whipped now when it came to being in Bethany's house, and after getting punched a few times he learned to control his language for at least the few hours he was in there. "She wouldn't let me leave, so I gave it to her, and that's it. But listen…"

          "You gave her your hat?" she interrupted him again. Jay sighed exasperatingly, not being able to believe the one time he had something important to say, he couldn't get it out because he was getting interrupted.

          "Yeah, I did. Listen…"

          They had moved out of the bedroom and were standing near the door. "That's pretty nice of you, are you sure you're not high then?"

          "LISTEN, I HAVE TO…"

          And his mouth was clamped shut. He tried to yell into the hand to no avail. He shifted his eyes to see Bob was the one dragging him away. Bethany looked puzzled, but shrugged and followed. Silent Bob, who was trying to keep Jay from talking anymore, managed to drag him out the door, by giving his taller friend a glare. Jay stopped trying to get away from him, and followed his lead, a little confused over it. Bob waved and closed the door behind him, leaving Bethany definitely in the dark about the situation.

          When they got a bit away from the house, Bob let him go. Jay turned and glared at him. "What the fuck was that about, you fucking tubby bitch?"

          Bob shook his head and pointed to his head. Jay, skilled at reading his mime-like actions by now (he had been best friends with the guy since they were kids, after all), understood he was probably talking about the dream. "The dream, right? Yeah, I know 'bout that fucked up shit. Did Rufus talk to you too?"

          Bob shook his head, and uttered a single word: "Muse."

          "Oh, that's just fucked up. I get that fucking unknown apostle tellin' me to save the world, and you get that fine ass bitch Serendipity. I'm starting to think religion is fucking all against me. I think that God chick has something against me, or maybe the whole fucking world has something against me. Yeah, that's it, the whole fucking world is against me, because it knows I'm one fucking pimp daddy."

          Bob rolled his eyes, unable to begin to understand how Jay could possibly get all that out of the people who told them such dire news, but then remembered: It was Jay, it was what he did best. He was the master of complaining. Silent Bob motioned by acting like he was fighting.

          "Are you fucking insane, Lunchbox? There is no fucking way I'm gonna get my ass kicked by some bitch playing with time. That's just fucking stupid."

          Bob shot him a look.

          "Don't look at me like that, tubby." He snapped, unconsciously pulling out a cigarette to smoke it. "I'm so fucking sick of being the hero. I don't want to be a hero, I don't mind being a fucking loser. We can just leave, we can get out of here, back to Jersey…fuck all the girls we want. Smoke it up, get some cash…it'll be like the old times, Silent Bob."

          He was not fazed by the suggestion, and kept glaring at him with a hard look.

          "There is no fucking way I'm going to change my fucking mind this time. You can go get killed, I don't fucking care. I'm outta here." He started to walk away.

          "You're scared." Bob called after him, which stopped him in his tracks. He gritted his teeth, trying to resist the urge to go back and show him. He turned.

          "And you're a fucking nutcase." He called back, and kept walking. Unfortunately, the realization that Silent Bob was not going to back down to the challenge and would most likely get himself killed fighting all alone again stopped him. He and Bob had never been separated more then a day since they met, and the sudden thought of being without him that long made his stomach turn. "Fucking friendship. I need to fucking forget loyalty." He grumbled, taking a long puff of his cigarette before throwing it to the ground and squashing it out.

          With a long sigh, he turned around and walked back to see Silent Bob was waiting for him, as if he knew Jay would be back. He stood in front of his long-time friend and smirked.

          "I'm only doing this because you wouldn't last five seconds without me." He said simply. Bob managed not to smirk at this, and instead nodded in agreement. "I don't know why I always let you drag me into this shit."

          Bob raised a brow, but, true to his name, stayed silent and did not point out how half the things they got into was because of Jay and his impulses.

          "But if I die I'm gonna kick your fucking ass in the afterlife, tubby. Just watch."

          Silent Bob nodded, then smiled at him, giving him a thumbs up.

          Jay sighed. "Why does my head feel cold?"

          Bob patted his hat and Jay remembered. "Right. Kid has it. Oh well, a fitting memorial for the fucking greatness known as myself, yeah!"

          This was when Bob just started walking. Jay made a face and quickly followed after him. "So, where the fuck is this monster, anyway? I want to get this shit over with. Maybe after we kick some ass God'll send down some fine ass angel bitches to take us to the next level, heh heh…" Bob couldn't help but grin at the thought. "Hells yea, I'd live that shit up. I tell you, Lunchbox, everyone would convert to Catholicism if they were promised some ass."

          He nodded in agreement, because in truth it wasn't exactly far-fetched. At least the male population would boost up if promises of that were made. He looked around.

          "But seriously, where is the guy? Rufus didn't tell me jack shit." Jay sighed. "Or are we supposed to find out ourselves?" Silent Bob nodded at that. "It figures as fucking much. Can't ever make saving the world easy. What the hell kind of God do we have?"

          Bob made a motion to show he was explaining that she was a girl. "Oh yeah, how could I fucking forget…I guess she's in one of THOSE moods."

          A lightning bolt flashed out of nowhere and hit a nearby tree, causing Jay to jump back in surprise. As he watched the tree burn, he realized he was literally hiding behind poor Bob, who was just staring at it.

          "Yeah, you can do that to us, yet you can't do shit to the hell guy. I don't get you!" He finally called out to the sky. "I shoulda fucking known she was temperamental…"

          Bob wrenched his arm from Jay's grip and rolled his eyes. He motioned toward the burning tree and Jay shook his head "Hey, it was our fucking fault now WAS it?" Bob shook his head and smirked as they left the scene, just as the people in the house came out to see their prized tree begin to burn to the ground.

          "And how we supposed to fight this shit anyway?" he wondered out loud. Bob mimicked fighting with his hands. "I'm not thinking if we go out with our fists ready we're gonna come out of the shit alive. You're the brains of this operation, Lunchbox, figure out somethin'."

          Silent Bob seemed to think about it. He made a motion of a sword. "I don't think that shit's sold many places." Bob nodded almost sadly. He moved his finger like he had an idea, and started to mimic a knife instead. Jay seemed to consider this. "You think Bethany would give us some of hers?" Bob shook his head. "Figures. Bitch, never let's us doing anything without giving her a fucking reason. I hate that about women."

          Bob nodded, and sighed. He held up his fist again, and Jay just nodded. "Looks like we're gonna fight with nothing. Maybe it won't be too fucking big, maybe this is all a fucking exaggeration." Bob shook his head sadly, and motioned with his hands how big Serendipity said the monster was. It was a big estimate. "Shiiiittt…did I mention the whole fucking world is against us?"

          Bob sighed and nodded his head. He was starting to see that too.


	3. To The Future

**Chapter 3 – To The Future**

          The two prophets were growing tired of wandering around.

          "If tiring us out is that fucker's idea of winning, it's sure as hell fucking working." Jay grumbled moodily.

          As if a sign from God (and it most likely was, granted), he suddenly went flying when he tripped over something in the road.  He went flying, landing on his stomach, while Bob tried to suppress a snicker.

          "Mother fucking son of a…" he stopped short when he saw what he had tripped on.

          Silent Bob also had his eyes on it.

          "What the fuck is that? A fucking footprint?" He stood up, brushing himself off. He turned to get a closer look, and saw it indeed was one. A pretty big one. As if trying to find out how big it actually was compared to himself, Bob put his own foot in the imprint and found it to be at least 3 of his own feet. "Man, fuck this. Nevermind it being a fucking hell bitch, it's probably twice the size of us combined. Why the fuck are you still going? You fucking fat ass, there is NO way we can beat that shit!"

          Not willing to listen to the sense Jay was speaking (even though it was undoubtably rare), he continued following the imprints, which were quite frequent. He followed the next print, and when he got to the third Jay finally shook his head in annoyance and followed him. They heard the hell beast before they saw him, because suddenly the whole ground shook when an unearthly roar filled the air. Suddenly people were screaming, running past them, and both just managed not to be clobbered by the horde.

          "I think the fucking bitch is this way." Jay pointed in the direction the people were running. Bob gave him a look.

          With the direction set, they continued on and the minute they got to the end of the block, they saw it. Both pressed up against a partially destroyed home soon afterwards, they assessed the situation.

          "We're going to fucking die." Jay muttered. "I'm never going to be fucking laid again…oh, what a fucking cruel world we live in…"

          Bob could not help but agree with his now wide-eyed partner-in-crime. It didn't seem like a very friendly sort of hell monster, not that any of them were. This wasn't some duo of pansy angels or a demon made out of shit, this thing was big, mean, and homicidal looking. Not to mention the fact that it had a big spinning…portal thing in front of it that looked as though it was about to suck the monster and everything around with it inside. Even then, when the portal was obviously weak, the two felt the suck of it trying to pull them closer.

          "Well, Lunchbox, you got us into this shit…what do we fucking do now?" Jay asked, his voice showing a quiver of slight fear.

          Silent Bob seemed to think, and didn't seem to come up with any solutions as to kill it without getting killed themselves. He was just glad they hadn't told Bethany, because if she went down with them…it'd definitely be all over. Thinking was over when suddenly, out of nowhere, the monster seemed to sense their presence and turned to glare at them. Both prophets stood frozen in their spots as it roared an obvious warning call to either get out of there or suffer death by the hands of it.

          Without a word between them, the two picked up scattered garbage and flung it at the monster, which did not even seem fazed by it. It roared again, and took a swipe at them. It just barely touched Silent Bob and he was thrown backwards, landing on his back. Going in for the kill, it started to march toward him, his hideous face smirking evilly.

          "Hey! You ugly piece of shit! Over here!" Jay called out, knowing it's intent. It turned and found a knife flying right at it. It tried to dodge but it struck its eye dead on. Roaring in agony, it swiped its long lizard-like tail, which hit Jay and made him literally fly backwards into a house. He slumped down, feeling as if all the bones in his body had cracked. He felt pain rip through him like a dozen needles stabbing him everywhere. He struggled to keep his eyes open, and felt the pull of the portal start to move him. After another roar of the monster, he finally blacked out, his body falling limp to the suction.

~~

          "I can't fucking die…not now…"

          He opened his eyes and felt his body tingling all over, a bright light surrounding him.

          "You can't fucking kill me off…Bethany…everyone's right, I am a screw-up…"

          Suddenly the light faded and he found he was perching on a pitch-black ground. He slowly stood up, feeling his body, seeing he had no wounds anymore. Getting sick of the strange areas he was being put in more and more as the night went on, he finally snapped.

          "What the fuck do you want from me? If I'm fucking dead, get it fucking over with it! I'm sick of being treated like a fucking puppet…"

          He felt faint but shook it off. "Just get it over with…" falling to his knees, he felt like just screaming, or punching someone. He wouldn't admit it to himself, but he knew he had failed his job that was entrusted to him, and it made him angrier then he had ever been with himself. And Silent Bob…he didn't even want to know how mangled he came out. He suddenly felt something touch his shoulder, and he pulled his head up with a start to find himself staring at God herself.

          Unlike the first meeting, he did not say anything, did not question. She motioned for him to rise and he did so, slowly.

          "You picked the wrong fucking guy, lady. I'm a fucking nobody, I've always been one, and I've just proved it by that horrible excuse for a fight."

          God frowned at this and shook her head, and then suddenly she laughed. He raised a brow at the nutty religious icon. She beeped his nose and then shoved him back. He stumbled backward, surprised, and felt himself fall. Instead of hitting the black ground he was standing on, he kept falling.

          He felt air rush to his lungs, and felt it mixed with water. Sputtering and coughing, he opened his eyes at the rude awakening, finding himself face-down in a large puddle of water. Feeling like he was soaked to the bone, he managed to turn over and sit up. Immediately he started to touch his mid-section, trying to find his broken bones.

          There was none.

          He tried to shake the cobwebs out of his head. He was still drowsy, and felt a little dizzy as well. He held his head, wondering if he had just imagined the second meeting with the Holy One herself, and figured that it really wasn't so farfetched. After all, he had seen her before; he had seen her blow off people's heads. Why was seeing her again so amazing? He sighed, feeling the grogginess leave him, and only then noticed that water continued to fall on him. He stared up and saw only darkness and raindrops falling at a constant speed on his face.

          He got up, the weight of his clothes heavily upon him, and looked around his general area. To the right of him was darkness still, and to the left…a street. "I'm in some fucking alley. But how did I get here?" He tensed when he heard sputtering behind him. He turned around and only saw something getting up in the darkness, the light from the street in back of him not helping much at all. He instantly got defensive, though, remembering that there was a monster around him around the time he blacked out.

          "Stay the fuck back, man." He called out to the noise, not looking to see that it was only Silent Bob. Bob, amused by his tenseness, poked him and he screamed like a little girl. He started laughing, which made Jay untensed a little to see who it was. When he saw it was him, he looked pissed, then his face showed relief.

          "Holy shit, Lunchbox, you're fucking alive?!" he exclaimed, his mouth dropping. Bob nodded. "Where the fuck are we?" Bob shrugged, then looked around. "I think we're in some kind of weird shitty alley, but how did we get here? I'm fucking cold as hell, too. This rain sucks. We need to find someplace to get out of it."

          Again, Bob just nodded, and was touching his head gingerly, obviously checking if he had any injuries. "All that shit is gone, tubby. Don't know how, I should be fucking broken in eighteen pieces. And that monster fucker is gone. Do you have any money?"  Jay sighed when his tubby friend shook his head no. "Me either. Just fucking great."

          "Over here!"

          The voice came out suddenly, from the darkness behind them. The two turned and looked, but saw nothing. They looked at each other, both wondering if they were hearing things.

          "Did you hear that? Or am I fucking hearing shit now too?" With a nod, Jay felt a little better that he wasn't going crazy. "Strange voices coming from the darkness? Sounds like a fucking trap to me, but hell, what else do we have to lose?" After a pause, Jay shoved Silent Bob forward. "You go first." Bob stumbled but caught himself and shot a glare at his idiot friend. He sighed and took a few steps into the darkness, then hesitated.

          "Come on." Jay urged, prodding him forward. The two made their way, Silent Bob in front, Jay right up behind him, until they saw a light at the end of the alley.

          "This shit's like in the fucking scary movies. The people listen to voices and they get fucking gutted and shit by a dumb ass with a hook." Jay muttered to himself, though Bob heard and rolled his eyes.

          When they reached the light, they found a door ajar, like it was welcoming them in. The two looked at each other, and Bob seemed a little uneasy. "We're faced everything, fat ass. I'm sure whatever we face now can't be that fucking bad." Bob rolled his eyes and opened the door slowly with his hand. He saw light coming from inside, but, with Jay's urgings, sneaked in.

          Inside it was a plain room, and in the middle there was two sleeping bags, a nice fire burning in a can, and real food. Jay raised a brow, automatically suspicious. "I think someone was fucking expecting us, Lunchbox. The fuck is up with this? Totally fucking weird."

          Bob walked over and poked the food with his finger. It was obviously not going to jump up at them, apparently. "You know you wanna eat it, tubby. Take a bite!" Bob blinked and shook his head furiously. "Eat it you son of a bitch! Your stomach can fucking take it!"

          Bob made a face and shook his head again. The two glared at each other.

          "Fucking dumbass." He grumbled. "Just looking at that shit makes me hungry. I need something to eat, and I need it to fucking not be poisoned or some shit like that."

          He sat down, cross-legged, sulking and cursing his luck under his breath. Bob continued to poke at the food, but did not dare to eat it.

          Out of no where, the flames from the fire started moving irregularly. Bob noted it first, and by the time he pointed it out to Jay, it was too late. Suddenly the flame jumped up and towered over them, it's shape being that of some horrible monster. The two scrambled up and backwards, trying to run from the thing, but both found themselves paralyzed with fear. It loomed over them.

          "You, the prophets of legend…"

          The two just stared numbly at the talking fire thing.

          "I have been awaiting your return for a long, long time."

          Timidly, with a shaking voice that showed his fear, Jay spoke. "Awaiting our fucking return? What do you mean?"

          "Silence!"

          Jay shut up immediately.

          "You are not in a land you know anymore. What you remember are just that, memories of a past few can recall. Your failure to stop that monster has changed history itself. Instead of you being known in this older world…you, too, are long-forgotten memories. You see, you have been brought to the future with the monster. To people around, you are dead and gone."

          "Whhatt?!" Jay exclaimed, forgetting that he was to be quiet. "What the fuck are you talking about, man? I mean, never mind the fucking fact you're some fireball bitch, you're tellin' me we ain't fucking alive, and we're in the future?!"

          The flame smirked, and suddenly disappeared, eloping the two in darkness. Then, like something had lit it again, the fire returned but this time hovering about it looked like a mini-angel that wore a long robe and had two angel wings on her back. She was definitely female, and she was hovering in mid-air laughing like crazy, which made both Jay and Silent Bob stare at her. Finally she regained her composure, and hovered the right way, grinning at the two.

          "I had you dumb asses going there, didn't I?!" the mini-angel thing said. "Thought I was some fire thing, ha ha, what a joke! How you two got chosen to be the prophets…"

          "Wait a second, you were that fire fucker? You son of a bitch! You nearly scared the shit out of my friend here!" he pointed to Bob who glared at him.

          "So you must be Jay." Jay blinked as he realized it had disappeared and reappeared on his head. He tried to swat her away but she simply hoped onto Bob's head. "Lopsided head ya got there, buddy." Bob tried to look up at her but found it already gone and back to her original spot.

          "Hey, you stupid little angel fucker, what the hell are you doing?" Jay demanded, annoyed.

          "What am I doing? I'm here to help the all-mighty prophets. I don't know, I was imagining you a little more older…with turbans and bad accents. Horses too. But no, you're just normal regular stoners that look like wet rats. Of course, I've been warned that you're some trouble." He pointed to Jay. "And you tend to get Silent Boy over there into it too. Bad Jay, bad."

          Bob seemed to agree but stopped when Jay shot him a look. "His fucking name is Silent Bob, and since you seem to know so much about us, who the fuck are you?"

          "Did the drugs destroy your brain cells or something, dumb ass?" she rolled her eyes. "I. Am. Guide. Do. You. Understand. What. I. Am. Saying?" She knocked on his head, and he swatted the angel away.

          "Guide? What the fuck kind of guide?" he asked, annoyance in his tone.

          "Okay, look, I'm going to say this slowly so you can comprehend. Me, angel. You? Prophets. Angel helps Prophets FIX THE STUPID ASS MISTAKE THEY MADE!" The yell made them wince. "Got it now, Blondie, or is it really a hopeless cause?"

          She snickered when Bob nodded his head to the question when Jay wasn't looking. Jay still looked pretty blank.

          "But if you need to call me something, my name is Serafina. Just call me Sera." She waved a hand.

          "If you're some fucking guide from God, why the hell are you badmouthed too?" Jay glared at the mini-angel.

          "Well, to tell you the truth, this is a punishment for deciding to plant the angel frogs in a crowded auditorium-kinda place. Havoc is fun until you get caught." She smirked at Jay. "I'm sure you could understand."

          "So what you're telling me and Silent Bob here is that you're not helping us voluntarily?" Jay asked. Bob looked at the angel with the same hard stare Jay was giving her.

          "Are you kidding me? Who the hell would wanna help you idiots? Someone asking for a headache, that's who. If I didn't have this job I'd be all up there having a good time with all the other cherubs."

          "Hey!"

          "What? I'm a heaven person, I can't lie…it's unholy yanno." she smirked.

          "Swearing is too." Jay shot back.

          "Well that isn't fucking stopping you is it, blonde boy?" She replied coolly.

          Silent Bob watched the two fight back and forth. He finally rolled his eyes and sat down, taking one of the plates to eat something. He shook his head as he took a bite, knowing it was going to be a very very long mission. 


End file.
